Life Changes …
Carole King’s song, “You’ve Got A Friend” promises “Winter, spring, summer, or fall–all you’ve got to do is call–and I’ll be there.” Many people expect that their friends will always be there. They expect friendship to last forever.
What do you do when a friend for many years “checks out” of your friendship?
While our society rarely talks about it, the loss of a long-term friend with whom you have shared a lengthy history and one who has weathered the grumpy-not-so-beautiful moods, can be as painful as the loss of a romantic relationship.
Few people get to know us as we truly are.
A select handful shares our joy, sorrow, pain, school grades, birth of children, divorce, wealth and happiness with us. We open ourselves to them, leaving us vulnerable. They are woven into the very fabric of our lives. When that thread is taken away the fabric feels torn.
We had never been able to communicate when there was a disagreement. We would just stop talking for a month or so until whatever bothered us blew over. Driving home from work after a span of time one of us would call the other one. This was someone who I called my sister. She was part of my family and I never considered life without her.
A simple email that stated “We no longer have anything in common” changed that.
I spent several months feeling pain in the loss of friendship. I felt incredibly sorry for myself and played old worn out tapes of would’a, should’a, could’a. I waited for that 5:30 p.m. call on the way home from work that never came.
It was time to face change!
How to do that gracefully?
I witnessed it through the example of a beautiful 84-year-old woman. Eight months ago she lost her life long companion. Three months thereafter a pacemaker was installed to regulate her heart beat. A month ago she moved across the US, leaving her home of 53 years. She moved into a senior living facility—and guess what? The next day she went to breakfast and started meeting people. She learned the California freeway system so she could be independent. She is now taking classes in art, knitting and online education.
While I am sure that she did her share of grieving, she seized each day and marched forward. She filled her being with new challenges, people and experiences. She laughed and danced and opened her heart again …
So the lesson here is to face loss head-on. If you need to grieve, do so. Send love to the one who dismissed you and wish them well in the future. Then get busy and immerse yourself in The Now. See the sunshine in each day and awaken with an Attitude of Gratitude!
In the words of Katie Freiling, an incredible teacher/mentor of mine, “The more we open to life and become the ‘experiencer’ of it, rather than staying attached to any certain person, place, or experience, the more bliss and peace we will invite into our lives.”
How have you handled change when it stared you in the face? I’d love to hear your ideas in the comment section below 
Carpe Diem!
January 15th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Great post, Darlene
It’s true that at some stage in our lives, a lot that we held dear and in common with old friends no longer means the same to either of us. And the process is difficult and painful to go through sometimes. Have had a similar experience recently. And find it helpful to hold the affection and regard i feel for the other, even if we are unable to sustain the old ways of relating. Also to recognise that the only way for us to grow and change sometimes is for something that we hold on to dearly to be pulled apart from us.. as the only way of making room for something new and more vital that’s always taking shape.. Thanks for being a great friend..I love that Carole King song, by the way..
Johneal
January 15th, 2010 at 5:57 pm
Johneal, You have such a positive way of looking at things. New and positive things are happening constantly:) I appreciate your friendship too!
January 16th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Thought provoking post, Darlene. Prompted me to think loss is only a perception. We are often too quick to judge what is ‘good’ and ‘bad’ – often what we first think is a negative proves to be positive for us and a gain.
January 16th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
You are right, Cherie:) It is probably in how we choose to view the picture, right?
January 16th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
Darlene, this is a beautiful post and you are a very eloquent writer yourself! It has so much meaning for me because I’m on both ends of the spectrum as far as change and things remaining the same.
I have a “best friend” that I’ve known since she was born and I was 6 months old. She still lives five minutes away from me and we see each other at least once a week. She’s my one “I can always count on you” friend. Because I am back living in the house I grew up in her parents are still my neighbors. They are not doing well now and the kids are trying to keep them in their house for as long as they can, so we help out as much as we can, since they are like parents to me also.
Other side of the coin::::
Four years ago my husband of 12 years “decided” he didn’t want to be married any more, out of the blue, no warning. Now that was change. At first I didn’t think I would make it through, but along with the amazing support of friends and family remaining, I put one foot in front of the other and now I see that I would not be the person I am today had I remained in that marriage.
I think the most important thing to remember is that EVERYTHING in life happens for a reason. We may not see it now, but just like when you look at a beautiful tapestry that looks all together on the front, when you look at the back you see a lot of threads going every which way, some cut off, and abruptly ended and some knotted, or joined with a another thread that appears to come out of nowhere. Bottom line is that when they all come together and you look at your life (or the tapestry) from the front, it’s a work of art.
As Gary Allen says “Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride”
Keep up the good work Darlene. I look forward to visiting your blog often and learning much !!!
January 16th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Debbie,
Sometimes it is hard to remember that everything happens for a reason—but in hindsight it does. Your story is powerful. Thanks so much for sharing it. I’ll carry Gary Allen’s quote with me.
June 6th, 2010 at 8:25 am
Yes Darlene! You are a wonderful example of allowing yourself to feel the loss and then move on. I’m very grateful that I have you in my life so we can learn and grow together!
Linda G Cox´s last blog ..Walking Update: June 1, 2010
July 17th, 2010 at 6:07 am
loved this writing!